Janice Black and the Thirteen DwarvesOoh and a Wizard Too!
by Connecticut Yankee
Summary: "Dwalin and Balin are already here, I see,"said Kili. "Let us join the throng!" or as Janice thought she heard, "Let us join the thong!" "T-Thong? ITS NOT THAT KIND OF PARTY!" Thorin and Company want to reclaim Erebor. Janice just wants to go to her Senior Prom.


This is what happens after you're on watch for 10 hours and you're only comfort is Tolkein. It funny what gets those creative juices flowing. I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. If not, please be gentle :D.

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**CHAPTER 1: AN UNEXPECTED PROM DATE I**

In a house in the woods there lived a girl. It wasn't your cabin in the woods type deal or anything. It wasn't infested with snakes or spiders or zombies. No, with the exception of a buzz or a squeak here or there it was your typical New England home. Private and relaxing.

You had your rock wall surrounding your yard, low enough for your peek over every now and then, but high enough to keep things quaint. Your door was a typical door, with stone steps leading up to it, laminated by miniature light posts. The door leading that led into the house was tall and white and square, like a giant bar of white chocolate, with a bronze latch jutting out from the center left. Through the door you were immediately met with two sets of stairs, one leading up to the living room, and bedrooms, and kitchen and one leading down into the den. Beige tiles led to a sort of maroon carpet. You could always see because hanging over you was a great chandelier that never seemed to need the lights changed. This house sat atop of a very steep hill at the center of The Borough, shrouded with various trees and flowers, which proved pretty in the springtime, but quite the contrary in the winter months.

This girl was a very modest and stress-free girl, and her name was Black. Janice Black. The Blacks were a relatively new addition to The Borough, and while they tried to get along with everyone, they still seemed to feel a bit out of place. Not only because they were new to the area, but because they were, in fact, the only Southerners around. Yankees and Southerners didn't share the same customs and courtesies. And being the only Southerners around, if the Blacks wanted to fit in they had tone their character down a notch. This is the story of how a Black rose up against conformity and went on an adventured, lived the dream. She may have won the scorn of her peers, but she also won, well you just have to keep reading.

The mother of our leading lady—wait. Darn it. Ya'll have no idea what Janice looks like do you? Hmm, let me put things in perspective for you. Janice was taller than most girls, but she was by no means a tree or anything. She was a quiet and thoughtful lass, but once you got to know her a little better, she was like a firework: bright, loud and soaring! She was very muscular with broad shoulders and abs, that made her feel awkward and more formal clothing like dresses and skirts. She loved to run, so she was bit small upstairs, but certainly had some glutes of steel. Her hair a dark brown, thick and unruly; she loved to pin it up with bright and bold bows. And she always wore cherry red Chucks on her big feet. That should do it. Now as I was saying. The mother of Janice Black, Tillie, whom everyone affectionately called Mama Black was the daughter of a great sailor, Captain Dirk, who lived over the Great River, a body of water which powered The Borough. It was said that Captain Dirk's mother was a mermaid and his father King Neptune. He was born in the crest of a wave and rocked in a cradle of the deep. That was insane, of course, but there was something, almost noble about the Dirks. They would always go off on strange excursions, apparating from and to The Borough like genies. To put it simply it freaked a lot of people out and they weren't as respectable as the Black. But they sure did know how to let loose.

After Tillie Dirk got married and became Mrs. Walter Black, she didn't really go on adventures anymore. Walter, that was Janice's father, built Tillie this quaint little house on the hill in the center of The Borough and they lived there for the rest of their lives. But, it's likely that Janice, their only child, splitting image of her father she was, inherited some interesting traits from the Dirk side, something just waiting to erupt. This opportunity never showed up until Janice Black had reached her late teens, her junior year of high school, as a matter of fact, and was living in that quaint little home built by her father so long ago.

You see, dear reader, one fine morning in this boisterous world we live in, Janice Black was sitting on the front steps of her porch after a particularly big breakfast and was licking a Tootsie pop. Danny was on her mind again. Danny. Danny Kapernic. If he'd spoken to you a fraction as much as he'd spoken to Janice, which, was for a miniscule amount of time, mind you, you would still be fawning after him. He was a real dream-boat, the golden boy of Peddlecest Academy. There was always some story of fondness for him no matter whom you asked. The guy was just likable! And all the girls wanted to be his queen at the upcoming prom, Janice most of all. Perhaps, this would be the day that Janice would finally discover true love…or perhaps just an old man with a staff.

He was sporting a tall and pointy blue hat, this was accompanied by a great grey cloak strewn with bits of grass and fallen leaves. A silver scarf wove itself about his long neck which was surpassed by his long white beard that fell just above his waist. He was also donning what seemed to look like some really sick combat boots.

"What's up?" asked Janice, she sincerely wanted to know what was going on with this mysterious man. She also silently prayed he wasn't another Jehovah Witness. But the old man simply gazed upon her from bushy brows that seemed to jut out past the brim of his hat.

"What do you mean?" He inquired. "Do you mean the sun and the clouds, or do you mean myself or do you mean to ask what direction is up as in North; or do you not know the meaning of up?", the girl blinked.

"Um, all of them," she drew out. "I'm feeling pretty good myself, perfectly good day for a lolly. You can have on if you'd like." Then Janice reached into her duffel for yet another lolly, a rainbow one; this one a great whirly pop that rivaled the size of her head.

"Very pretty!" said the old man. "But I haven't the time to suckle on candies this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am planning, and it's difficult to find anyone."

"Ha! It probably is, with you going around asking like that—and up here especially. Who knows how many poor ladies, or men, you've made uncomfortable saying a silly thing like that. They probably think you're some psycho kidnapper or something," said Ms. Janice Black, and she hooked a finger though the belt loop her jeans before capturing another lick from the lolly. Then began to feel a bit self-conscious, and began to turn away, pretending to ignore the man. There was definitely something strange about him and she wanted nothing to do with it. But the old man did not move. He remained there leaning on his stick and gazing at the girl. No words passed his lips only an extremely awkward silence, until an unnerving Janice craned her neck back struck with disbelief and a bit of coldness.

"Well have a good morning then!" She finally exclaimed. "We don't want any adventures around here, thanks. You can try The Ville or under The Bridge." She was done with this conversation.

"What a lot of phrases you have got!" said the old man. "Now you mean to say that you wish to get rid of men, and you won't be satisfied until I leave."

"No! I didn't mean it like that. Let me think, have we met before?"

"Yes, yes, my dear—and I'll have you know that am quite familiar with your name, Ms. Janice Black. And you do know my name, though you may not remember it. I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me! To think that I should have lived to be sassed by Black's daughter, as if I was some salesman or Jehovah's Witness!"

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Oh my gosh! Not the wandering wizard that gave Captain Dirk the magic ship hull that couldn't be felled by any gunfire? Not the man who used to tell such great stories and gossip at parties, about goblins and dragons? Not the man that used to make the awesome fireworks! I remember those! Especially the bottle rockets and sparklers, ooh and the poppers! I loved the poppers!" she could go on forever. "Not the Gandalf that inspired all those timid boys and girls to hop out of their homes one day and just rush off on some crazy adventure? Adventures across the world, heck, adventures to the city. Wow, you really had a way of riling people up around here in the olden days. My apologies, I didn't know that you were still around."

"Why where should I be?" asked the wizard. "Well I must admit that I am happy to find that you do remember something about me, even if it is something as simple as my fireworks. Hmm yes, for the sake of old Captain Dirk and the sake of dearest Mama Black, I shall give you exactly what you asked for."

"Excuse me? Um, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for anything!"

"Yes, you have! That's twice now. I will send you on this adventure. It will entertain me and it shall be a good experience for you—and you will reap its rewards, provided you get over it."

"Yeah—no. Look I'm sorry, but as I said before, I'm not looking for any adventures or journeys. Not today and definitely not tomorrow. But otherwise you can by and talk later, okay? Okay. Good bye now!"And with the flip of her hair over her shoulders she made an about face and trotted past her front door and into her home. Shutting her door quickly.

"What a loon! And what in the world was I thinking telling him that he can come over?" she pondered, as she headed upstairs and towards the pantry. She was still feeling a bit hungry, so she fished out a strawberry tart and some pop. She really needed it after that debacle.

In the meanwhile Gandalf was still standing outside of the door, chuckling to himself. After some time passed by, he moved up, and with the sharp edge of a spike on his staff scratched the strangest sign on the girl's great white door. Then he sauntered away, at about the same time when Janice had downed her second can of pop, talk and thoughts of adventured drowned in her caffeinated haze.

The next day she had practically forgotten about Gandalf, consequently she had forgotten about her prom and Danny Kapernic. She had completely forgotten! Janice immediately rushed back downstairs and towards her wardrobe. Just as she was reaching for her dress, the red one with the sweetheart line and the rhinestones, there came a boisterous ring from the front door and she flushed. _He can't be here now!_ _Oh what do I do?_ As she couldn't just leave her crush waiting at the door, she rushed upstairs, tucked her bangs behind her ear and raced to the door.

"Danny I'm so glad that you came! I'm sorry I took so long!" is what she would have said had it been the Kapernic lad standing in the doorway. But it was not the Kapernic lad, nor Gandalf. It was…it was a dwarf! A dwarf whose beard was so dark that it appeared blue and it was tucked into a golden belt, and under his bright emerald hood were a set of bright eyes. The moment the door had swung open, he pushed inside, just as though he had been previously invited. He folded his cloak and plopped it on the shelf nearest the doorway, and "Dwalin at your service!" he said with a low bow.

"Janice Black and likewise!" said the girl, too flustered to either shoot or ask questions at the moment. Before the silence could get any more uncomfortable, she added "Um, I was just getting ready to change and head out for a party, if you're lost or something, I suppose I could give you a ride or something." She really wanted him to leave, but she could not exactly leave him hanging if he were in some sort of trouble or other. He hadn't gotten halfway up the maroon stairs leading to the kitchen when there came another ring from the front door.

"Excuse me!" said the girl, and she hustled to the door.

"So you've decided to pick me up now!" She would have said with a giggle to her crush. But it was not Danny nor the old wizard. Instead there was an extremely old-looing dwarf on the porch with a stark white beard and a scarlet hood. He too headed inside the house upon the cracking of the door, like he'd been invited too.

"Ah, I see that they have already begun to arrive," he said when he caught a glimpse of Dwalin's emerald hood neatly folded on the deck. He folded his red one next to it, and "Balin at your service!" he said with a hand on his breast.

"Err—thanks, I think," said Janice with a gasp. Surely not the right thing to say, but that _they have already begun to arrive _line had really thrown her off. She did not mind visitors, but she had ground rules. For instance, visitors not showing up to her home ON THE DAY OF HER PROM! She had a feeling that she was going to run out of pop, and she did not mean for her guests. Sucking in a deep breath she quickly plastered a smile on her face, a bit grim, but a smile none the least, and addressed her party.

"Well, let's go snag some pop shall we?" she made out.

"A little beer would suit me better, if it is all the same to you gentle lady," said Balin with the stark white beard.

"I definitely don't have any liquor! But I've got sparkling cider if you're in to that kind of thing"

"That'll be just fine." _Thank heavens, _she thought before making off towards the pantry to grab two fresh bottles of sparkling cider: white grape and apple. By the time she had returned to Balin and Dwalin they were sitting at the dining table and chatting amongst themselves like old friends (brothers unbeknownst to Ms. Black at the time). Janice placed the two bottles on the table when again came a ring at the door. She crossed her fingers as she approached the door, chanting _Please be Danny, Please be Danny, Please be Danny, Please be Danny_

But it was not. It was two more dwarves, both of these parading navy blue hoods, silver belts, one with an amber beard and the other with a dark brown, each of them carrying a plethora of tools and a spade. Simutaneously they stepped into the doorway. For a moment, Janice was struck by their appearance of the brown haired dwarf staring at him briefly before shaking herself of the stupor.

"And what can I do for you two?" She asked expectantly. _This has got to be a dream._

"Kili at your service!" said one. "And Fili!" added the other; and they both pulled off their navy blue hoods and bowed. _Definitely a dream. _

"At your service and your family's!" replied Janice. _Oh well might as well go along with it._

"Dwalin and Balin are already here, I see,"said Kili. "Let us join the throng!" or as Janice thought she heard, "Let us join the thong!"

"T-Thong? ITS NOT THAT KIND OF PARTY! There's no party at all this isn't even real. I just drank too much pop and now I-I need a cup of water." As she reasoned with herself, she promptly filled a glass of water, before taking a sip. As she peered above the waterline she could make out the four dwarves occupying the dining room table discussing who knows what. Words like mines and gold and goblins floated about and she tried her best to block these out. What better way to do so than the shrill metallic cry of the door bell ringing.

"There's someone **else** at the door?"she asked stupdily.

"More like four from the sound of it" said Fili. "Yeah, we saw them coming up behind us in the distance."_Oh this is brilliant_.

The poor teen plopped down on the bottom of the stairs, cradling her head in her hands, wondering how things had gone so wrong, what Danny would think if he stumbled upon all of this, if Danny would come at all. She whimpered at the thought. Then the door bell rang once again. Weakly she reached up and turned the latch before she was met with four, no, no, no, five more dwarves. They all bowed and said, "at your service" before scurrying inside like a twisted conga line. Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, and Gloin were their names and soon enough two violet hoods, a grey hood, a brown hood, and a white hood joined the pile beside the front door. The house was booming and from the bottom of the steps Janice could hear various strings of calls for more cider, one for pop, one for coffee, and all of them wanted cakes; so as you can imagine Janice was kept busy for a fairly long time. A mug of coffee was going in the Keurig, the dwarves had devoured all of the cupcakes Janice had made, and they were just beginning to discover her candy stash, when there came not ring this time, but a knock. A loud, obnoxious knock at the front door. Was that a stick?

Janice trudged to the door disappointed, angry, and worn. This was the stressful day she had ever endured in her life. She ripped the door open with a jerk and an avalanche of lo and behold, more dwarves, came toppling through her door. And behind the company was Gandalf laughing, eyes riddled with mirth. There was now noticeable dent on the great white door, but the strange scratch was now gone.

"Carefully! Carefully!" he said. "It is not like you, Janice, to keep friends waiting out on the porch, and then open the door like a sprung trap! Let me introduce Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, and especially Thorin!"

"At your service!" acknowledged Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur standing horizontally. They didn't even bother to fold there hoods, so there on the floor lay yellow hoods and a lime hood sprawled out. The last one, a sky-blue with a silver tassel, must have belonged to Thorin, a largely important dwarf, the great Thorin Oakenshield! He looked a little less than pleased at face planting on Janice's tile floor with the weight of four others on top of him, especially Bombur with him being portly and all. Thorin was a bit curt and the word "service" never abandoned his lips. Janice found herself apologizing profusely until he muttered an acceptance asking that she "Don't mention it, ever." And settled down.

"Now we are all together!" said Gandalf, looking down upon rainbow of hoods piled about the shelf and floor. I hope there's some food left for the stragglers. What is that? Pop? No thank you, I'm much rather have some wine."

"And for me," added Thorin.

"And some strawberry jam and orange-tart," said Bifur.

"And pot-pie and salad," said Bombur.

"And more of those mini-cakes—and cider—and coffee, if you don't mind little miss," called the other dwarves about the house.

"Put on a few eggs will you, that's a good lass!" Gandalf called after her, as the girl moved away calling back over her shoulder, "Why do I have to sit here and cater to all of you? I'm not your maid, you know! And in my own home. Today is supposed to be my special day. The least you ruffians can do is help me clear up." There was a clinking of a glass before a deafening silence. And then Thorin sent a look towards the other twelve dwarves before shouting, "Well you heard the girl, help her clear up and then we shall get to business!"

Thereupon the twelve dwarves, minus Thorin who was conversing with Gandalf, jumped to their toes, and began to tidy things up a bit, which Janice would have been perfectly cool with had Fili not latched his grimy little hands on a certain red dress, with the sweetheart line and rhinestones.

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Gotta love them cliffhangers. haha, until next time! Don't forget to review!


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